Question:

Dear father, I want to ask the following question: How do we correct our children without hurting them and without getting angry? Also: I have the problem that there are times when I feel so susceptible to what others tell me that I cannot be at peace. What should I do when I feel like someone is offending me: let it go or get angry and respond?

Answer:

I recommend reading this article in regards in respect to that:

LEARN TO CORRECT

            By Alfonso Aguiló

It’s natural for youth and adults to see things differently. What would be strange is for an adolescent and an adult to think in an identical manner.

Education is not to insist that our children be like Einstein, or like that genius of finances, or like that princess that is seen on magazines. Neither is it the destiny of the children to reach the goals we were incapable of reaching, nor have that splendid career that we like so much…that WE like. No. It’s them.

Craftwork Labor

Having an educative project does not mean putting our children in a mold with pressure. The true labor of the educator is much more creative: it’s like discovering a fine sculpture inside of a marble block, getting rid of the excess, sanding the roughness and improving its details.

It’s about helping them eliminate their defects to reveal the richness of their form of being and understanding things.

We must find for our children ideologies with equilibrium, of nobility, of responsibility. Not of supremacy in everything, because this ends up in creating absurd states of anxiety. What matters is undertaking challenges that allow them to be themselves, but each day a little better; those which will help them know satisfaction of undertaking tasks and fulfilling them. 

The work of educating at liberty is so delicate and difficult as is important because there are parents that due to efforts of misunderstood liberty, they do not educate; and there are others that due to exaggerated pedagogies do not respect liberty; therefore, wouldn’t know which extreme is more negative.

The Four rules

Educating is not an easy task. The adolescent tends by nature to prosecute everything, has a considerable critical view of what surrounds him. That doesn’t have to be necessarily bad. On the contrary, it can be very good. But some rules of the game would have to be set for the criticism in the family to be positive.

First: for someone to have the right to correct, they must first be a person who is capable of recognizing the good of others and who is also able to say so: that he does not correct who does not know how to praise from time to time.

Because if a parent never recognizes what his children or wife do well, with what rights will he then correct them when they fail? In this sense, we must not forget that the one who finds nothing positive in others must modify his life from the beginnings, thus something in the parent is not right and has a defect that disables him to correct.

With much love

Second: We must correct out of love: it must be the critique of a friend, not an enemy. For this reason, it must be serene, pondered, without precipitations nor impulsive: it must be careful, with the same effort used to cure a wound, without ironies or sarcasms, with hope and true improvement.

Third: Neither should the correction be given before examining over one’s own culpability in the matter of what will be corrected. When something is going wrong in the family, almost never can anyone say they are free of total guilt.

In addition, when someone feels some responsibility for an error committed, they correct differently because they correct from the interior, acknowledging their own fault in the matter. In this way the person being corrected will understand better why we begin by sharing their error with ours, thus they will not see it like external aggression rather as help from the interior.

Destructive criticism is just as easy as constructive criticism is difficult. 

It’s efficacious for there to be clarity in the correction, to be able to tell each other things with normality. For offenses and frustrations not to remain in our hearts, because they will rot there.

Little by Little

Fourth: Multiple rule on how to carry out the correction. It must be face to face, for there is nothing dirtier than the murmuring or anonymous denunciation of the one who throws the stone and hides his hand; directly to the person concerned and in private; and never comparing with other people: no ‘learn from your cousin, who gets such good grades, or from the upstairs neighbor who is so polite…’

And with much prudence before judging the intentions and not talking about what has not been proven, thus correcting about rumors, suppositions, or suspicions can produce merits of injustice.

The correction should be specific and concrete not generalized, knowing how to center on the topic, without exaggerations, without superlatives, without abusing of words like always, never…It’s convenient to talk about one or two things at a time, because if we accumulate a list it will seem like a correction to the totality rather than anything else and without reiterating too much. We must give them time to improve. Also, the excessive insistence becomes counterproductive.

The best moment

Last, we must know to choose the right moment to correct or give guidance, which must be as soon as possible, but always waiting for both to be tranquil to talk and tranquil to listen. If one is anxious or affected by anger, it may be better to wait a bit more, because on the contrary it could stir up things instead of fixing them. Admonish yes, but always putting oneself in their place, having their responsibilities, trying, like the refrain says to walk in their shoes, before judging.

Acting in this way, we correct in a distinct way. We will even discover that many times it’s best to be quiet, it was once said that if we could read the secret story of our enemies, we would find in it sufficient pain and sufferings to disarm our hostility.

A good family environment

The friendship between parents and children can be harmonized perfectly with the authority required in education.

It’s precise to create a climate of great confidence and freedom, even if there’s a risk of being deceived. It’s better for them to be embarrassed of having abused of such confidence and they correct their behavior.

In contrast, whenever there is a lack of liberty, the family can convert itself into an authentic school of simulation. 

For adolescents, obedience is tough but they must understand that like it or not we all obey. In any group, human relations implicate ties and dependencies which is inevitable. They can’t deceive themselves with false illusions of infantile rebellion.

In conclusion, obeying at times is uncomfortable, truly. However, they must discover that the most convenient is not always the best. They must realize that the best path to be free is to achieve being self-possessed and only a person who is well practiced in youthful obedience will be free in adulthood.

To think about

Ensure to focus more on the positive values of others rather than observing their defects, or what seems to be defects to you, consider whether the same ones are also in your life.

o You must not forget that we don’t know in virtue of what mysterious tendency we all usually see in others our own defects.

o Don’t lose patience. Whenever you have thoughts like “I’ve told this child at least forty times that…and there is no way…” don’t forget to ask yourself if maybe you’ve also proposed yourself many things at least forty times and have not accomplished doing them.

o This does not mean we should not demand and correct because we are imperfect. Nevertheless, when someone is conscious of their own defects, the task of educating is perceived almost like a task of amity. Each other’s triumphs are celebrated and know how to forgive failures because there is trust that there will be times of victory.

o Be wise before judging or correcting: remember that good must be supposed, evil must be tested; and that another to hear the other bell, and to know who the bell ringer is……

o For the correction to be effective, a climate of trust must be achieved in advance. Sometimes we are rigid and distant because we are insecure, because we do not set out to educate is trust, and it should not be forgotten that trust is a great value in education.

o Propose in a family conversation how you could achieve greater fluency in correction, so that you can tell each other with some normality the things that bother you. Do not fail to explain that grievances or anger should not stay inside the heart, because there they rot; and that we need to know how to forgive and give a vote of confidence to all: true forgiveness is always generous in granting amend opportunities.

and Act…

In a family conversation propose how you could achieve greater fluency in correction, so that you can tell each other with some normality the things that bother you. Do not fail to explain that grievances or anger should not stay inside the heart, because there they rot; and that we must know how to forgive and give a vote of confidence to all: true forgiveness is always generous in granting opportunities of amendment.

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